On the way back to Hacienda Heights from Torrance today I saw an ad that made me almost jump out the window, run across the freeway lanes, jump over the brick wall, scramble up the pole to the billboard and hug it cheering in agreement. I'm not kidding - it was that intense.
"The cool new thing to do in L.A.? Leave."
THANK YOU, from the bottom of my heart, THANK YOU. Now I don't have to feel like evilness with red horns every time I feel a loathing to living in this place, which is, as you might be able to tell, quite often.
Am I so harsh? I don't think so. Let me explain.
California is absolutely amazing, sunny and exciting. There are beaches, clubs, restaurants of all cuisines, malls and outlets, designer and budget shops, fruit of all shades, shapes and colors, etc etc. It also has Six Flags and Disneyland, Hollywood and Beverly Hills. You can't help being in awe of a place that has such a myriad of things packed into it. What's not to like??
For some reason, I feel like I am slipping away when I'm here. Maybe it's the sun or the heat of the summer, but something inside me always dies when I come back "home." I become lethargic and some sloth-like creature that simply exists from day to day. I don't feel like I'm living life how I should be since i'm not sure what "life" is here. I'm dreadfully confused and awkward in conversations and introductions, not sure if I'll release too much bite. But that's who I am - and I'm stifling myself.
Trying to figure out what's up ahead is not a very fun project, either. Cover letters seem to be lost on me, money is out of my hands to pay for graduate school, and moving out of southern California for a very much desired job seems out of the question. I have both much and very little to choose from, and I am overwhelmed. Pathetic, I know, but that's what comes of being indecisive my whole life and making mistake after mistake.
I'm not blaming this on anyone, but it's a bit discouraging to have others trying to pave a path for me. They say do this or do that - just..."suggestions," you know? I am guilty of doing this myself, so freely brand me a hypocrite if you so wish after I say this. The suggestions don't always help - they just make me feel even more insecure about myself because it doesn't seem - in my case anyway - as if anyone is truly supporting me. I know my loved ones support me in my endeavours, but it feels differently when you've never been quite...exhorted in the area you are pursuing. So when someone comes and tries to give me suggestions about a different "way of doing things," it's pretty much a damning blow to the heart, a hint that maybe I can't do it after all.
I want to rise above all that, though. I want to give reality and circumstance a good battle. I want to slay the dragon they call Luck in the publishing industry.
Or maybe just bring Luck to my side. =) How about that?
